As our experiences gain their crystal from and compose themselves to a system of life, we gather some knowledge little by little that there are certain patterns that become determining both in our and others' lives. Namely there are behavior models or rather attitudes that very accurately ascertain how we are going to react in a given situation. Or the way the other is going to react - which is a whole different question, as his/her reaction absolutely beyond our control and our territory.
But are we really free to choose how to react to the challenging life-situations appearing on a daily base? I guess this is the accurate question instead of how I am going to react once a thing happens. The power of habits has more influence on our life path than we would presuppose it: sooner or later it can appear as if our habits would have decolonized themselves from us, and they started to use us ignoring what we really wanted, what we would have chosen according to our heart.
Wisdom commence where we can notice this happen; when, it doesn't matter how angry or how frightened we are, or how much we wish to suit to someone's will, so to speak when the actual habit-pattern starts to rule us, we can stop for a moment to explore what is happening with us, and what are we doing right there, right then.This is quite a big issue, a giant step. When I don't know what I am doing, I can't change it, and I can't take the responsibility neither for how I am "living" nor for what I am "doing" as the "circumstances", "others", "forcing powers" take my freedom of choice. However, these all are nothing else then masks of the same excuse: a
habit.
A habit can sprawl on our life unnoticeable when it begins: for example we start our day - every day - with reading the fresh news, with drinking a nice tea with toasts, with approaching our work place/school on the same route again, and again, and again, etc. Then the simple action becomes a habit, it stiffens like an arid mud-pack, and it narrows our freedom to move: we can't even smile. Awful.
The opposite of acting, namely the non-acting, or inappropriate timing of acting can also become our habit - as parts of our defending mechanisms. A well directed self-sabotage usually takes this order: it masks itself to a habit then it doesn't let us choosing freely our re-actions, while it makes us believe that we, indeed, have to explode from anger and must shout off the other's head from his/her body as this is the only solution for our problem.
No, it isn't, this is not true.
In case of free choices we would be able to explore the given situation from different angles - instead of following the automatic-pilot that can shoot for long distances accurately and quickly on an automatized way: therefore should we have freedom in our decisions we would have the room to decide what is the most optimal reaction we could pursue in the light of the actual situation.
Consequently the first step is a recognition that suddenly I am aware of what I am doing or what I am not doing. It is immensely astonishing for the first time, and this is how it has to be. It feels like glancing at myself with some external eye, but here we have to distinguish this perception from our inner scratcher that always wants to make us believe that we are not enough or, on the contrary, we are too much - whatever, but never ever good as we are right here and now. We shall not listen to this creature, it is prohibited. Never let it happen (again). (It worth to encircle it, to acknowledge its existence and to recognize its spring, from where it has come - until we realize to whom it belongs, who's scratcher we have been hosting within our most valuable treasures - unawares. For sure we haven't invented IT on our own, we had had to receive it from someone as a gift... Or rather there was a root-cause, an initiative moment, an inchoate CAUSE and this creature is the effect of that. And as the trauma is so living and deep, the creature can't exceed it, it can't leave us, we captured it in this trauma. The exploration, the understanding, the follow back to the roots, the cleaning of wounds shall dissolve these inner knots in most cases, even though it can last for a while till we can take off the bandages and till we can get used to the new form, namely - the new habit. Especially if the old scratcher creature had been in our company since a while.)
To acquire the second step is as hard as it was to learn to walk as babies, or if we'd like to learn to write with our other hand - left or right, the one with which we are not that good pen endorsers. We would need infinite patience and continuous practice in order to learn the delicate movements, and even more persistent attention to avoid to give up what we planned. As such, the second step would consist not only to notice what I am doing, but also to be able to stop myself doing it, even in the middle of the action: that is to turn off the automatic pilot and let myself bring back the governance and be truly present in that particular event I am reacting to. Our habits are in most cases not even our owns: as little kids we sniff in the external world as a very dry sponge welcomes humidity - and we keep as much of it as we can. We very likely kept habits too that finally haven't let the world connect to us, since we have learned these habits to protect ourselves. We believed that we needed these for our own safety. For a while, this certainly was true. But if it doesn't work any more, time has come to change it. And if we are not in harmony, if we are pulled off from our route, if we let ourselves be taken by twisting events, it is surely a sign that we have let go all the accessible control we could have had. As if nothing else remains, to choose our attitude is still in our own hands - even though we might have conquered a basic attitude following some less effective patterns, once upon a time.
We need to take off our masks, to follow the habit down to its roots, to seek where it comes from - if we won't weed out its root it may came back and grow again strong in our little inner garden. Although a few types of weeds may look great and enrich our messy yard, it is much better to obliterate all vitality-sucker weeds, isn't it?!
The third step is the hardest one: after noticing and realizing what I am doing, and once I stopped myself doing it, I need to come out with some new reaction to transcribe, to re-program the old pattern and to plant something new inside me that instead of detaching connects, that keeps me safe on a way and in the meantime also allows me to live. What courage! Just think about it! Putting aside our old, well-known, well functioning habits just to create something new in our lives! That finally would support us in functioning better, to be happier with ourselves and together with our environment and those within! It's a colossal act to change our habits and this is why it is also the hardest challenge. I think it worth to try as we have nothing to loose: the worst can be if we fail to change.
Professor Mrs. Emőke Bagdy, a Hungarian psychologist suggested two issues in one of her recent talks. She said, if we really want to change one of our habits, we shall practice the newly picked habit at the same time every day for a period of 28 days (for example, morning gymnastics to make our life quality better, or quality evening conversations with our partner). The regular order and the persistence will bring a the wished result, as in this period of time it already becomes automatic. Thus with a persevering, constant work we can change our primary "nature" or rather habit, and we can replace it with something else that initially was nothing more but our secondary or subsidiary-habit. When we begin the process it always starts with a conscious choice that appear in our decisions then, gradually, this previously subsidiary choice makes the way up to the possible opportunities to be taken by the automatic pilot, up to the moment when finally it reaches the position of "the best possible reaction" and it steps forward to be our new automatic habit. Because very thoughtfully and consciously we practiced it.
It is roughly sincere and astonishing to notice those patterns that start to function when our button is pushed - I realize that these are systems, running whole programs, which I can't stop even if I see it and observe what happens, because I can't switch off the robot pilot. I am convinced that again and again I will be given a new opportunity to step out from these old, aged mechanisms and to create a new one - which, in case of weekly, monthly or occasionally repeated issues is even a little harder and lasts longer. Until when I reach the point of change, and I change what I can. This is exactly what the
Hero's Journey tells us. I grew up with folk tales and fairy tales, hence I am convinced that the persistent effort gains its reward. I hope you know this too.
