I have a heart. And I am not going to deny it willingly.
I have a heart, that feels, and it's alive: this is where I live. This is me. My heart, my sweet heart, the middle of my existence, this is where I meet God, this is where I meet good people. Friends.
You may hurt me, I am ready to drink the cup of harms: this is what my God have done, why would I need to do it differently?
There is noting more painful than to be a human. And there is nothing more joyful than to be a human. I have a heart. I am alive. I feel, I breath, I taste, I move, I see, I love, I hug. I have a heart. I am not going to lie. I hope to open up those, that are denied!
The curious case of Benjamin Button has something to say here...
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Monday 28 March 2011
Fairy life
One step further every day. Only today. Challenges of tomorrow belongs for tomorrow, don't bring them into today. This isn't a tale. Life has to be lived, doesn't matter whether it is good or bad. You are alive: you have to live it. Or this would be the reason why my life is a tale? Would a hero know, if s/he would be part of a tale, that s/he's in a tale? And would she kiss a frog, or would the magic work at all, if both of them would know, that it's ain't real? Mm.... I believe not. I would like to believe that I live in a fairy tale, that all things will be joyful and wonderful, and that I will find... my way of happiness.
So go through, live through, let it ache, let the mourning come all over from head to toe, and then let it go. Then let the sunshine in. Move on, find your way back to love. Shine. This is the road, this the way of getting know the life, of getting know ourselves. This is life.
So go through, live through, let it ache, let the mourning come all over from head to toe, and then let it go. Then let the sunshine in. Move on, find your way back to love. Shine. This is the road, this the way of getting know the life, of getting know ourselves. This is life.
Saturday 26 March 2011
Lent
One of the hardest things of life is to say NO to something you desire. That you long for.
Like for example to say NO to turn stones into bread after 40 days of fast (Temptation I. of Jesus Christ).
I don't want to compare my NO to such NO, but it was one of the hardest thing to say since a looooong time. There is no other choice in case of life danger. Life danger here means something, you desire to do but then it surly would destroy you, your life and the life of those who live around you. Then what? Ain't that easy to say NO, not even in these circumstances. Passion is deathly. It's just not easy at all, believe me. I've done it.
Catholics says, it is during the time of Lent that the biggest temptations are coming and found you. And they also say, that God tires those whom He loves. I could be ironic on this point, but I refuse to do it, as I know that He really loves me. And today I am deeply grateful and I praise the Lord as He let me to do the hardest decision of my life so easily I don't even feel it now. I am sure, tomorrow it will hit me, but I will stick to His will.
Then? How to avoid? Pull yourself out from the situation, turn away. And if you really desire the thing, acknowledge it's existence. Be aware of your longing, and be aware of your commitments. Be aware of the hurt that can come and stay with you till a lifetime, if you give in. Then cry, long, let your heart feel the loss. Say NO to save yourself from even more pain that you experienced during not being able to make your decision. Once the decision is made, it liberates your heart. Even if in first moment it seems to be a decision AGAINST your heart, you'll find, it was FOR your heart. And you will cry again. And again. Or maybe not.
Some people can do some things, some can't. It means, that according to our knowledge of life mysteries, we are allowed to do mistakes. But once we are aware of a certain thing, we better not commit that error, otherwise we'll call such a punishment on our head that we surely will know next time that we better watch our decisions if we want to avoid pain. And I mean here deep pain, that deep that you cannot imagine now. For example, I cannot let myself into any situations of serious lies and "games" that would fold the truth. Even if the temptation is super high, higher than ever imagined before, I have to resist, with all of my blood cells, with all of my heart beats. And it feels like a cut.
It feels bad, but still it feels less painful, than to let it grow and use me for its own shake (the passion itself, I mean). And now I fell my throat. Feels like it will hurt tomorrow, from some cold... I pray for forgiveness and love for the rest of Lent, and that Peace may come in our heart and God may guide us through this world.
Like for example to say NO to turn stones into bread after 40 days of fast (Temptation I. of Jesus Christ).
I don't want to compare my NO to such NO, but it was one of the hardest thing to say since a looooong time. There is no other choice in case of life danger. Life danger here means something, you desire to do but then it surly would destroy you, your life and the life of those who live around you. Then what? Ain't that easy to say NO, not even in these circumstances. Passion is deathly. It's just not easy at all, believe me. I've done it.
Catholics says, it is during the time of Lent that the biggest temptations are coming and found you. And they also say, that God tires those whom He loves. I could be ironic on this point, but I refuse to do it, as I know that He really loves me. And today I am deeply grateful and I praise the Lord as He let me to do the hardest decision of my life so easily I don't even feel it now. I am sure, tomorrow it will hit me, but I will stick to His will.
Then? How to avoid? Pull yourself out from the situation, turn away. And if you really desire the thing, acknowledge it's existence. Be aware of your longing, and be aware of your commitments. Be aware of the hurt that can come and stay with you till a lifetime, if you give in. Then cry, long, let your heart feel the loss. Say NO to save yourself from even more pain that you experienced during not being able to make your decision. Once the decision is made, it liberates your heart. Even if in first moment it seems to be a decision AGAINST your heart, you'll find, it was FOR your heart. And you will cry again. And again. Or maybe not.
Some people can do some things, some can't. It means, that according to our knowledge of life mysteries, we are allowed to do mistakes. But once we are aware of a certain thing, we better not commit that error, otherwise we'll call such a punishment on our head that we surely will know next time that we better watch our decisions if we want to avoid pain. And I mean here deep pain, that deep that you cannot imagine now. For example, I cannot let myself into any situations of serious lies and "games" that would fold the truth. Even if the temptation is super high, higher than ever imagined before, I have to resist, with all of my blood cells, with all of my heart beats. And it feels like a cut.
It feels bad, but still it feels less painful, than to let it grow and use me for its own shake (the passion itself, I mean). And now I fell my throat. Feels like it will hurt tomorrow, from some cold... I pray for forgiveness and love for the rest of Lent, and that Peace may come in our heart and God may guide us through this world.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Lost
Again and again it happens that the sens of being lost comes on. Like right now.
Unreasonable stomachache (of course there might be a reason for it, but I do not know that), and I want to combine too many things into at once. Not only into 24 hours, but into my life!
Maybe to have three lives would be enough .. or four. I wonder how could I pack all these into one .. I have no clue at all.
Sometimes I wish someone would just grab me and keep me locked in a house with a small garden till I learn how to write regularly and properly. I'm already soooo gooood in my mind. Still, most of the times, I hardly can catch the pen and suit it to the sweet paper and let it draw the story I carry in my soul. This simply does not work for some reason. Maybe I'm doing so many things that I have no power left to do it once I'm there. Or just laziness. Who knows... Blessed are the moments of free existence.
I'm feeling lost. Profound fatigue. Lack of guidance. Still I feel that there is path, since it runs under my feet, and I may even know its nodules as old friends.. but would it be possible to have some rest? To stop pulling myself up from hill to hill, across the valleys? Not complaining, if this is not possible, but to question, it won't kill anyone, will it?
Being lost. What can I do, if I'm lost? I try to identify where I am (or who I am, for the sake of those who are more advanced). I could say that I'm looking for some kind of 'landscape tree', shrub or any other point of reference to identify this. The reference point is the key. But there is no map of the soul-nature landscape tree, which could be noticed from up to 5 km . Or at least, it isn't called like this. Of course there are landmarks on the map of the soul, could one exclaim, who has already roved around the boundless balk of his/her soul. Of course there is. However now I have a different reference point in mind: a certain reference point, without that every other thing would just be meaningless.
Lent is here (and probably this is why my stomach hurts, it's time to grab myself to fast, it's time to get cleaned, to show through, to understand, to accept. And it's time to surrender). Today I realized that the only recognizable point of reference for me is the loving God, even when I can't love myself at all. He still knows where I am, when I'm feeling completely lost. In spite of the free will He gave to us, I believe He somehow leads me where He wants me to be (such like the theory of FLOW functions, wrote by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who was finally honored with a Széchenyi-Prize by the Government of Hungary).
Give, Father, please, I pray, time for me that I'd be able to live with my possibilities and that I won't let the minute go where I need to act. Please grant me the opportunity to share and manifold my talents that were entrusted to me! And even if I would like things happen on a certain way, I pray to live according to Thy will. For in Thee I stand alone in this world, and I grow my fruit for Thee. Amen.
This is today's prayer.
Unreasonable stomachache (of course there might be a reason for it, but I do not know that), and I want to combine too many things into at once. Not only into 24 hours, but into my life!
Maybe to have three lives would be enough .. or four. I wonder how could I pack all these into one .. I have no clue at all.
Sometimes I wish someone would just grab me and keep me locked in a house with a small garden till I learn how to write regularly and properly. I'm already soooo gooood in my mind. Still, most of the times, I hardly can catch the pen and suit it to the sweet paper and let it draw the story I carry in my soul. This simply does not work for some reason. Maybe I'm doing so many things that I have no power left to do it once I'm there. Or just laziness. Who knows... Blessed are the moments of free existence.
I'm feeling lost. Profound fatigue. Lack of guidance. Still I feel that there is path, since it runs under my feet, and I may even know its nodules as old friends.. but would it be possible to have some rest? To stop pulling myself up from hill to hill, across the valleys? Not complaining, if this is not possible, but to question, it won't kill anyone, will it?
Being lost. What can I do, if I'm lost? I try to identify where I am (or who I am, for the sake of those who are more advanced). I could say that I'm looking for some kind of 'landscape tree', shrub or any other point of reference to identify this. The reference point is the key. But there is no map of the soul-nature landscape tree, which could be noticed from up to 5 km . Or at least, it isn't called like this. Of course there are landmarks on the map of the soul, could one exclaim, who has already roved around the boundless balk of his/her soul. Of course there is. However now I have a different reference point in mind: a certain reference point, without that every other thing would just be meaningless.
Lent is here (and probably this is why my stomach hurts, it's time to grab myself to fast, it's time to get cleaned, to show through, to understand, to accept. And it's time to surrender). Today I realized that the only recognizable point of reference for me is the loving God, even when I can't love myself at all. He still knows where I am, when I'm feeling completely lost. In spite of the free will He gave to us, I believe He somehow leads me where He wants me to be (such like the theory of FLOW functions, wrote by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who was finally honored with a Széchenyi-Prize by the Government of Hungary).
Give, Father, please, I pray, time for me that I'd be able to live with my possibilities and that I won't let the minute go where I need to act. Please grant me the opportunity to share and manifold my talents that were entrusted to me! And even if I would like things happen on a certain way, I pray to live according to Thy will. For in Thee I stand alone in this world, and I grow my fruit for Thee. Amen.
This is today's prayer.
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