Lost

Again and again it happens that the sens of being lost comes on. Like right now.
Unreasonable stomachache (of course there might be a reason for it, but I do not know that), and I want to combine too many things into at once. Not only into 24 hours, but into my life!
Maybe to have three lives would be enough .. or four. I wonder how could I pack all these into one .. I have no clue at all.

Sometimes I wish someone would just grab me and keep me locked in a house with a small garden till I learn how to write regularly and properly. I'm already soooo gooood in my mind. Still, most of the times, I hardly can catch the pen and suit it to the sweet paper and let it draw the story I carry in my soul. This simply does not work for some reason. Maybe I'm doing so many things that I have no power left to do it once I'm there. Or just laziness. Who knows... Blessed are the moments of free existence.

I'm feeling lost. Profound fatigue. Lack of guidance. Still I feel that there is path, since it runs under my feet, and I may even know its nodules as old friends.. but would it be possible to have some rest? To stop pulling myself up from hill to hill, across the valleys? Not complaining, if this is not possible, but to question, it won't kill anyone, will it?

Being lost. What can I do, if I'm lost? I try to identify where I am (or who I am, for the sake of those who are more advanced). I could say that I'm looking for some kind of 'landscape tree', shrub or any other point of reference to identify this. The reference point is the key. But there is no map of the soul-nature landscape tree, which could be noticed from up to 5 km . Or at least, it isn't called like this. Of course there are landmarks on the map of the soul, could one exclaim, who has already roved around the boundless balk of his/her soul. Of course there is. However now I have a different reference point in mind: a certain reference point, without that every other thing would just be meaningless.

Lent is here (and probably this is why my stomach hurts, it's time to grab myself to fast, it's time to get cleaned, to show through, to understand, to accept. And it's time to surrender). Today I realized that the only recognizable point of reference for me is the loving God, even when I can't love myself at all. He still knows where I am, when I'm feeling completely lost. In spite of the free will He gave to us, I believe He somehow leads me where He wants me to be (such like the theory of FLOW functions, wrote by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who was finally honored with a Széchenyi-Prize by the Government of Hungary).

Give, Father, please, I pray, time for me that I'd be able to live with my possibilities and that I won't let the minute go where I need to act. Please grant me the opportunity to share and manifold my talents that were entrusted to me! And even if I would like things happen on a certain way, I pray to live according to Thy will. For in Thee I stand alone in this world, and I grow my fruit for Thee. Amen.
This is today's prayer.